Mean Gay Girls

Originally published 8-29-05

At a recent networking event, I met the executive director of Girls Inc., a national organization with a mission to elevate minority women. She told me about a program called You Go Girl that teaches minority girls and teens to root for each other instead of cutting each other down.

I was intrigued by the idea and began to envision a similar program called You Go Gay Girl for lesbians, whereby lesbians stroke each other instead of slash each other.

Some people may be surprised to learn that lesbians are not a collective commune of supportive, socially conscious, politically correct, earthy women-loving-women, which is an image propagandized by our community.

Take for instance LA’s popular magazine, the Lesbian News. Gracing the cover of a recent issue are Border Grill’s owner and chef Susan Feniger and her girlfriend filmmaker Liz Lachman, both dressed down in ripped jeans and adorned with lots of artsy silver jewelry — the picture of lesbian domestic bliss and LA’d-back cool. Inside are page after page of self-help advice columns and ads for support groups and therapists, rustic getaways for womyn with a “y” and reproductive services.

I don’t doubt the glee of the cover girls or knock the benefit of the chat sessions, but the truth is we are not all one big happy gay family. After more than a decade out in the community, I can tell you, it’s more like a catfight.

When I launched my column about lesbian life, e-mails from readers seeking solace started filling my inbox. Many lamented how the prominent lesbian support networks are power petty and treacherous in this town. Below the rosebud tattoos there is a pierced seedy underbelly. It’s a lesbian eat lesbian world out there, and not in a good way.

I’m not saying that divisiveness among women is a lesbian phenomenon. I used to run in straight circles and witnessed plenty of gossiping and backstabbing hetero women, but shouldn’t we be more evolved as lesbians?

After all, we have been in the trenches together fighting for our basic civil rights and overcoming family and social acceptance issues. We’ve walked in step in the Dyke March, we’ve cruised with Dykes on Bikes and together we’ve watched the LPGA Classic and the Westminster Dog Show.

So why do lesbians, and women in general, often attack each other and knock each other off the ladder of success? Why do we take aim at other lesbians like poor Jenny in the shooting gallery on the L Word?

I believe it is because society teaches us early on to be competitive with each other; to make sure if we reach the top that no other woman is near to threaten us. In contrast, men — both gay and straight — tend to surround themselves with the old boys club. They understand that real strength is assured not only by personal integrity but also by sticking together — and men don’t waste time being catty about each other.

It is a shame that women must be taught to be generous with each other, such as with You Go Girl, but it is reality. In fact it is a necessity if we are to gain equal footing with men and become full-class citizens.

As I sang in church growing up, “Let it begin with me.” If you think one woman can’t start a movement that will amount to anything, just look at singularly sensational women like Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa or Susan B. Anthony. Grieving mother Cindy Sheehan, who has rallied a sleeping nation into opening its eyes about the war, particularly inspires me of late. If you need more convincing of our power, check out Dell Richards’ book Twelve Lesbians Who Changed the World.

Our charge is much less vast. We simply need to change our attitudes and to practice more random acts of kindness toward each other. Is that so hard? As W.H. Auden reproved, “We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for, I don’t know.”

All it would take is each lesbian reaching out to another lesbian — and not just professionally. Next time you go to a lesbian social event, be a proper Girl Scout. Be friendly and helpful, considerate and caring. Introduce yourself to the new girl at the party. Make another lesbian feel good about herself. “They will know we are lesbians, by our love, by our love. Yes they’ll know we are lesbians by our love.”

I am pretty proud of my niceness record — apart from rough patches with an ex or two, but we are now, in good lesbian fashion, famous friends — but if I ever have been mean to another lesbian, I promise to buy her lunch. This excludes, of course, any former business associate who tried to trash my name with lies. For her, it’s dinner at Crustacean.

Together, we can launch a lesbian lovefest that will be the envy of every community. Just imagine if we all embraced each other. Can’t you just visualize a huge heap of supportive, loving lesbians? I for one would want to dive into that.