In Praise of the Lesbian Cougar
Originally published 3-7-09
By the time Wiki has picked up a term, it’s pretty much over, culturally speaking, but the myth of the cougar lives on, despite media saturation. Mostly portrayals are negative, of the older predator woman stalking and stealing away a young pup to feed her sexual appetite. I’ve heard lesbians refer to older women who date younger women as “cougars” in this vein, but really, is such an animal out there?
I first heard the expression at a Monday morning staff meeting when one of my young straight male co-workers was recapping his weekend to another straight young male co-worker, pawing the air and growling, saying it was “cougar country” at a local watering hole.
As the conversation continued, it was clear he wouldn’t mind going home with one if he couldn’t bag a girl his own age, but he and his cohorts regarded these aggressive 35-and-older women as slightly ridiculous, if not downright pathetic, akin to a lecherous old men.
At first my feminist hackles went up, but then I chuckled, because I realized the joke was on him. The truth is, these guys were terrified of cougars. They represented sexually liberated women — think Samantha from “Sex in the City,” or Holly Hunter’s Grace Hanadarko in “Amazing Grace” — who don’t need men, financially, emotionally or otherwise. It’s a Neanderthal straight man’s worst nightmare.
In the lesbian community, for the most part, we realize early on that we must be independent. From the time that we come out as gay we evolve from the idea that someone else will take care of us. Some of us are cast out as soon as we are adults, or sooner, to fend for ourselves because of our sexual orientation.
In many ways we are a special breed. We must fight tooth and nail for our basic rights, such as to marry the person we love. It sharpens our skills and better prepares us for life’s challenges. Mentally we must be more introspective because we have to overcome dominant stereotypes of what we should be in order to be ourselves. It makes us surer, and stronger.
In the unenlightened straight man’s world, every lesbian is a cougar. We threaten them. They can’t capture or contain us. We’re girls gone wild to them, in a bad way, and not the bad way they like.
So when a lesbian calls another lesbian a cougar, it’s an honor. It means we’ve transcended stereotypes put upon us by straight males and entered into our own, where there are no victims. Think Ellen and Portia. Think Melissa and Tammy.
A lesbian cougar is a successful, confident, experienced, independent and mature woman who is quite the catch for any woman. I am cougar, hear me roar.
