Out with Mommy

Archive for the ‘gay mom’ Category

NEWS FROM OMG!

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Cynthia Nixon has another redhead in her family.

The “Sex and The City” star (who is naturally blond), and her partner, fiancee Christine Marinoni, showed off the first photo of their newborn – Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni, on Sunday.

Christine, 43, gave birth to Max, last Monday and he has a shock of red hair, just like his biological mom.

Cynthia announced her engagement to Christine in May 2009 while at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally in New York City, saying at the time, she had become engaged the month before.

The couple began dating in 2003, after the star split from husband Danny Mozes, with whom she has two children – Samantha, 15, and Charles, 8.

Cynthia currently stars in Showtime’s “The Big C” alongside Golden Globe winner Laura Linney.

My partner and I were shopping yesterday at Target in West Hollywood with our three-year-old son when something happen that could only happen to a LGBT family.

We were buying some decorations and favors for a Halloween party we are hosting for the kids in the neighborhood, and we were having a delightful time picking out multi-colored flashlights and jack-o-lantern treat buckets, but the shopping trip turned ugly when our son wanted every bag of candy in the Halloween aisle. 

A smart boy, he learned long ago how to Houdini out of the safety straps on shopping carts, so it has become a regular challenge to keep him seated in the cart.  After he stood up in the cart several times, and we firmly told him to sit back down, explained to him that it was dangerous, that the store manager would tell us to leave if he didn’t sit down, yadda, yadda, yadda, we finally warned him that if he stood up in the cart one more time, he would have to go with Mommy to the car and wait.

Always testing, as three year olds do, he stood up.  That was it.  I plucked him from the cart and plopped in on my hip.  “Ok, now we’re going to the car.”

He turned to my partner and called to her to rescue him.  “Momma, Momma.  Take me.  I need you.  I want Momma!”  In solidarity with me, she told him, “No, you have to go to the car with Mommy, because you didn’t sit in the cart.”

I carried him, kicking and screaming all the way to the elevator to the parking garage.  The whole way he screamed, “Momma, Momma.  I want Momma.”

The other people in the elevator starred as I tried to calm down the desparate child in my arms.  I gently reinforced to him, ”Next time if you sit in the cart like a good boy, then we can stay.”

All the way to the car he threw a fit and wailed for “Momma.”‘  Slightly embarrassed, I grimaced at the people trapped in the elevator with me and this squirming, screaming child.  As I crossed the parking lot  two men were following me.  I stopped beside my car and was fumbling to find my keys in my purse when one of the men approached me.  In a quiet but demanding tone, “Can you tell me, where is his mother?” 

I realized that he thought I was not this child’s mother, and that he thought I might be kidnapping him.  I took a deep breath.  “I am his mother.  He has two moms.  We raise him together.  I am ‘Mommy,’ and she is ‘Momma.’  That’s why he was calling for ‘Momma.’ “

Still unconvinced, he stood watching me while my son screamed even louder because a threatening looking stranger was looming over his mom. The man was wearing (no lie) Bermuda shorts, socks and sandals.  He definitely did not look like he was from  our part of town.  Possibly a tourist, maybe from the Midwest.

“I want to make sure nobody is taking him who shouldn’t be,” said the man, his friend stepping in closer.

“I appreciate that,” I said, “But I am his mother.  I gave birth to him.  I raise him together with his other mother.”

Here I was in a parking lot telling way too much information to a total stranger, and I was stunned at the idea that someone could think I was a kidnapper.  After all, I was in West Hollywood, gay central.  Surely this man had heard of two women, two moms, having a baby together.

I tried to sooth my son with, “It’s’ okay, it’s okay,” as I opened the rear door of my car to put him in the carseat.  The man wasn’t budging.  I supposed I could have asked my son to tell the man who I was, but the way my son was throwing a fit who knows what he might have said.  What could I do?  I had already told the man my life story in 20 seconds.  I focused on loading my son into the car, but with two men staring down his mom — and by now my heart beat racing and me exuding shaky nerves — my son was completely rattled.  He refused to go into the carseat. 

I decided it best not to escalate the scene.  “Come sit up front with Mommy until Momma comes, OK?  You can honk the horn.”  Finally, my son heard something he liked.  Saved by the horn.  He quit crying, and we went around to the driver’s side where I sat with him in my lap and shut the door.  

“Just one time,” I told him.  He tooted the horn.  The men were still standing behind my car.  Now, because of the horn, other people were looking at us.  On the passenger seat floor I spied the bag of candy that we had just gotten at the Westside Families Halloween party at Plumber Park.  Ironically we had just left a scene where two same-sex parents were the norm, and it was the odd heterosexual couple at the park who joined the festivities who felt a bit like the oddball.  A Tootsie Roll sucker!  Normally the one piece of sticky, sugary candy that he’s normally forbidden. I handed it to him for a guaranteed distraction.  He quickly unwrapped it and stuck it in his mouth.  Peace and quiet.

After about a minute, the men walked away. 

I sat in the car with my son not sure what to think.  Part of me was glad that strangers would step up to make sure a child was safe.  it was a like an episode of that hidden-camera show, “What Would You Do?” where actors play out some sort of unfair or dangerous social situation to see if passersby will intervene.  Then again, the incident was a reminder of the assumptions some people make and their ignorance about alternative family structures. 

In the end, I decided I was glad that the men had approached me.  If someone really had been abducting my son, then I’m glad someone risked their own comfort to approach a stranger to find out what was really happening.  Also, the confrontation gave me the opportunity to educate the men about another family formation.  So maybe next time they see two women with a child they will consider that the women might not be sisters, friends or co-workers but maybe they are, in fact, both the child’s moms.

All in all, a happy ending.

Used by Permission from SheWired

by K. Pearson Brown

Typical busy mom, I usually don’t get to out to movies until the ones I want to see have left the big screen.  So nearly a month after The Kids Are All Right hit theatres, I finally got a night off, got a sitter and went to the ARC Light in Hollywood to take in the very first major feature in history to star two leading ladies playing lesbian moms.

Lesbians can make strange bedfellows, as in the case of Annette Benning’s “Nic, short for Nicole, a serious and practical physician, and Julianne Moore’s “Jules,” her hippie chick partner who is still finding herself at middle age. 

This lesbian “Darma and Greg” mismatch have stuck it out for 18+ years, during which time they each used the sperm of an anonymous sperm donor to conceive a child, and now their daughter Joni (Mia Wasikowska), 18, and Laser (Josh Hutcherson), 16 are coming of age.

Seeing a lesbian odd coupling that beats the odds is affirming and inspiring, especially considering they would have met and started their family circa 1991, when planned lesbian families were rare.

Of course, lesbian mom pioneers or not, this couple falls into some of the same traps as heterosexual couples.  With apologies for revealing the plot to those three or four lesbians who have not heard what happens in the movie, Jules winds up in bed with the sperm donor, played by Mark Ruffalo.

At first the affair threatens Nic and Jules’ relationship, but in the end it becomes a catalyst that leads the two lesbian lovers to realize and return to their true love for each other.   

While the story of Nic and Jules is intriguing, as a lesbian mom, the narrative of their children resonated more for me.

The scene that most affected me was when Vic and Jules’ 18-year-old daughter, Joni, sarcastically snips to her moms that she will keep up appearances, despite the fact the family is unraveling, in order to preserve Nic’s ideal of their “perfect lesbian family.” 

These words hit home as they brought up the looming issue of how children in LGBT families are effected by having gay or lesbian parents.  The reality is that our kids will be different than most other kids because of their family structure, and our kids will have to come out, as if they themselves are gay, throughout their lives.  Some may be teased at school.  Some may feel deprived of a having a relationship with both their biological parents or being raised in a traditional, heterosexual-mom-dad household. 

It is true, that life at times will be hard for children in LGBT families.  But it is also true that life will be good for them.  Joni and Laser are like other kids in most ways, and Nic and Jules are like most other parents.  By meeting their biological father, Joni and Laser come to appreciate what their parents Nic and Jules mean to them.  While their family is not perfect, and their moms do make mistakes, and as a family they have ups and downs, in the end, well, the movie’s title says it all.

A couple of years ago one of the major mommy magazines ran a short feature on Cat Cora with nary a mention of her partner or the fact she was raising her children in a two-mom household, but Working Mother was anything but mum about the topic in their recent cover story on the out and proud lesbian and only female Iron Chef on Food Network’s Iron Chef of America.

The article featured a family photo of Cat, her partner Jennifer and their four boys.  In a Q&A format the story covers everything from Cat’s coming out to her IVF adventures with Jennifer and their arrangement of having each other’s eggs transferred into the other mother so that they gave birth to each other’s biological children, except for the one boy who they don’t know who is bio mom because they mixed their eggs.

Thanks Working Mother for coming out with such a wonderful, honest and inspiring story of an accomplished working mom who happens to be gay.

Posted on: September 10, 2010

Saw this post on Mombian which is several months old but timeless!  Ok, so my partner and I are not on the list, but we feel pretty powerful each time we say no to chocolate ice cream at 8 o’clock at night.

Mombian Blog Archive  The Most Powerful Lesbian Moms in America.

 

Tennessee Court Rules Mother’s Lesbian Partner Can Remain In Home During Visits With Her Children

Overturns Ruling That Barred Partner Of Over 10 Years From Overnight Visits




NASHVILLE – A three-judge panel of the Tennessee Court of Appeals has unanimously ruled today that a trial court judge was wrong to impose a “paramour provision” barring a mother’s lesbian partner of more than 10 years from being in the home during the mother’s overnight visits with her children. 

This is the second time the appeals court has rebuked the trial court for imposing the “paramour provision” against American Civil Liberties Union client Angel Chandler. In September 2009, the appeals court ordered the trial court to reconsider the provision. After a hearing in March 2010, the trial court decided to impose the restriction even though, as the appeal courts found, “the record is devoid of any evidence whatsoever to support the finding that a paramour provision is in the best interest of the children.” 

“We are relieved that the appeals court has recognized that restrictions like the one imposed on Angel Chandler can unfairly harm families raised by same-sex couples,” said James Esseks, Director of the ACLU Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Project. “Hopefully such a stern rebuke from the appeals court will send a loud and clear message to judges across the state that these kinds of restrictions are unduly burdensome on lesbian and gay parents who are just as capable of being good parents but don’t have the option of marrying.”  

The appeals court also noted today that there was evidence showing that the paramour clause was contrary to the best interests of the children, including evidence showing that the partner interacted with the children in a “positive and supportive manner” and that the partner “appears to be emotionally stable and capable of providing appropriate support and nurturing to the children and to [the Mother].”  

The “paramour provision” barring Chandler’s partner from her home during visitation with her children was first imposed in May 2008 after Chandler and her former husband appeared before the Gibson County Chancery Court to modify their parenting plan for custody and visitation of their two teenaged children. Despite a court-ordered psychological evaluation of all the parties finding Chandler’s partner was a positive influence on the teenagers, the trial judge imposed the restriction, claiming that he was required to do so under state law. After the appeals court made it clear that there was no such requirement under state law, the trial judge imposed the restriction again in March 2010.   

“We could not be more pleased with today’s ruling from the Court of Appeals,” said Brian S. Faughnan, cooperating attorney for the ACLU of Tennessee. “For the second time now this court has made it clear that custody and visitation decisions should be based on what’s best for the children, and that can mean having the love and support of a lesbian or gay step-parent.” 

The restriction caused a huge strain on Chandler’s relationship and finances. Chandler and her partner relocated to North Carolina, where they lived in a duplex that allowed them to abide by the order. Eventually this arrangement became too costly, and Chandler had to stay with a relative when she visited with her children. 

“Working and raising a family is hard enough under the best of circumstances, but this restriction really put a strain on all of us,” said Chandler. “Hopefully, we can now put this nightmare behind us.”

 

From the Family Equality Blog and Executive Director Jennifer Chrisler, a tireless leader in the movement for rights of LGBT families.

Posted by Jennifer Chrisler, Executive Director in June 1st 2010  

Gay parenting is taking off in America. Thirty-one percent of same-sex couples are raising children compared with 43 percent of straight couples, according to 2008 census data. More than half of gay men and 41 percent of lesbians say they want to have a child.

While LGBT parenting is nothing new, there is no doubt that it is making its way into pop culture like never before. A CNN documentary set to air this month, “Gary and Tony Have a Baby,” follows a married couple throughout the surrogacy process. Modern Family and Glee are two hit shows this TV season highlighting gay families, and the soon-to-be-released the film, The Kids Are All Right, is the tale of two lesbian moms played by Julianne Moore and Annette Benning.

The mainstream inclusion of the LGBT family has begun. And that’s a good thing.

But we have a ways to go to show that LGBT parents are like straight parents. The optics of two dads or two moms remains startling to many, but is slowly becoming a non-event to others. It is up to us as LGBT parents to define the images and perception of parenting (and not let those opposed, or those who are not experts, do it for us). We speak a common language with other parents about hugs and homework, about bedtime and bath time. This is my call to all LGBT parents: become visible, tell your story. This is the only sure-fire way of shaping people’s attitudes.

We also must pay attention to the perception of parenting within the LGBT community. Many LGBT people in their 20s and 30s—and older—either think parenting is too difficult—or they don’t even think about it. Parenting has not been part of the community’s social fabric. We need to change this. As the one million LGBT people raising two millions children can attest, it is doable—and is absolutely worth it.

And needed. There are half a million kids currently in the U.S. foster care system, 120,000 of whom are available for adoption. Dr. Gary Gates of the Williams Institute projects that the number of LGBT people wanting to adopt far exceeds the number of kids waiting to be adopted. (Family Equality Council has made significant progress on drafting and gaining support for federal legislation aimed at loosening restrictions on LGBT adoption).

My work fortunately allows me—encourages me, really—to shout from the rooftops about how proud I am of my two amazing boys and my entire family. Family Equality’s family programming reaches thousands of families, and, this summer, we will celebrate the 15th Anniversary of Family Week in Provincetown, the annual gathering place for LGBT families. Because of this event, we have taught more than 1,000 thousand families how to be ambassadors of our movement.

Despite our hectic schedules, I think we as LGBT parents have a responsibility to be involved in the making of our own history—the history of the parents’ (and prospective parents’) movement. There’s no question in my mind we’re crossing, or may have just crossed, the first serious threshold toward greater acceptance of the LGBT family. So, this is the time to get engaged. Let’s keep this newly-minted momentum going.

My personal note: I tend to believe that Jodie Foster, who has an impeccable reputation, would not attack an innocent teenager trying to take a souvenir photo.  I do believe that as a mom she would stand up to predatory and intrusive paparazzi who are invading her and her children’s privacy.  I have been caught in paparazzi crossfire before and these guys are rude and ruthless.

Los Angeles – After RadarOnline.com reported on Friday that Jodie Foster had been accused of battery by a 17-year-old boy, a rep for the actress tells People that the boy was “most definitely a professional paparazzo” who was harassing Foster and her family.

According to the police report, the incident happened May 29 at the Los Angeles shopping center The Grove: “Vict while at The Grove saw susp and began taking pics of susp with his camera then walked to the valet area of The Grove. Susp followed vict, poked him on his chest, grabbed vict by his left arm causing visible injury.”

The 17-year-old’s father told RadarOnline.com, “My son was at The Grove with his girlfriend and they were going to see a movie. He saw Jodie Foster and is a big fan so went over and took a picture of her.

“She came after him, poked him in the chest and said, ‘Do you even have a mother you slime ball?’”

Foster’s rep, however, says the police report is a complete “fabrication” of what happened. “He had a large camera bag and 100mm telephoto lens. He tailed Jodie and followed her all the way from the move theater to the valet.

“He crowded her and her two young children and took photos of them the whole time,” says the rep, adding that the actress then asked him to stop.

From TIME magazine, June 7, 2010

The teen years are never the easiest for any family to navigate. But could they be even more challenging for children and parents in households headed by gay parents?

That is the question researchers explored in the first study ever to track children raised by lesbian parents, from birth to adolescence. Although previous studies have indicated that children with same-sex parents show no significant differences compared with children in heterosexual homes when it comes to social development and adjustment, many of those investigations involved children who were born to women in heterosexual marriages, who later divorced and came out as lesbians.(See a photographic history of gay rights, from Stonewall to Prop 8.)

For their new study, published on Monday in the journal Pediatrics, researchers Nanette Gartrell, a professor of psychiatry at the University of California at San Francisco (and a law professor at the University of California, Los Angeles), and Henry Bos, a behavioral scientist at the University of Amsterdam, focused on what they call planned lesbian families — households in which the mothers identified themselves as lesbian at the time of artificial insemination.

Data on such families are sparse, but they are important for establishing whether a child’s environment in a home with same-sex parents would be any more or less nurturing than one with a heterosexual couple.(See a gay-rights timeline.)

The authors found that children raised by lesbian mothers — whether the mother was partnered or single — scored very similarly to children raised by heterosexual parents on measures of development and social behavior. These findings were expected, the authors said; however, they were surprised to discover that children in lesbian homes scored higher than kids in straight families on some psychological measures of self-esteem and confidence, did better academically and were less likely to have behavioral problems, such as rule-breaking and aggression. (Comment on this story.)

“We simply expected to find no difference in psychological adjustment between adolescents reared in lesbian families and the normative sample of age-matched controls,” says Gartrell. “I was surprised to find that on some measures we found higher levels of [psychological] competency and lower levels of behavioral problems. It wasn’t something I anticipated.”

In addition, children in same-sex-parent families whose mothers ended up separating did as well as children in lesbian families in which the moms stayed together.

The data that Gartrell and Bos analyzed came from the U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family Study (NLLFS), begun in 1986. The authors included 154 women in 84 families who underwent artificial insemination to start a family; the parents agreed to answer questions about their children’s social skills, academic performance and behavior at five follow-up times over the 17-year study period. Children in the families were interviewed by researchers at age 10 and were then asked at age 17 to complete an online questionnaire, which included queries about the teens’ activities, social lives, feelings of anxiety or depression, and behavior.

Not surprisingly, the researchers found that 41% of children reported having endured some teasing, ostracism or discrimination related to their being raised by same-sex parents. But Gartrell and Bos could find no differences on psychological adjustment tests between the children and those in a group of matched controls. At age 10, children reporting discrimination did exhibit more signs of psychological stress than their peers, but by age 17, the feelings had dissipated. “Obviously there are some factors that may include family support and changes in education about appreciation for diversity that may be helping young people to come to a better place despite these experiences,” says Gartrell.

It’s not clear exactly why children of lesbian mothers tend to do better than those in heterosexual families on certain measures. But after studying gay and lesbian families for 24 years, Gartrell has some theories. “They are very involved in their children’s lives,” she says of the lesbian parents. “And that is a great recipe for healthy outcomes for children. Being present, having good communication, being there in their schools, finding out what is going on in their schools and various aspects of the children’s lives is very, very important.”

Although active involvement isn’t unique to lesbian households, Gartrell notes that same-sex mothers tend to make that kind of parenting more of a priority. Because their children are more likely to experience discrimination and stigmatization as a result of their family circumstances, these mothers can be more likely to broach complicated topics, such as sexuality and diversity and tolerance, with their children early on. Having such a foundation may help to give these children more confidence and maturity in dealing with social differences and prejudices as they get older.

Because the research is ongoing, Gartrell hopes to test some of these theories with additional studies. She is also hoping to collect more data on gay-father households; gay fatherhood is less common than lesbian motherhood because of the high costs of surrogacy or adoption that gay couples face in order to start a family.

 
This morning my little darling, Stephen, who will be three in August, demonstrated just why his age is called “Terrible Twos.”  After being told “no” when he wanted to pour more syrup on his already drowning pancakes, he threw a fit and tipped over the breakfast table.
 
A cup of hot coffee landed on the dog, a glass of orange juice shattered with shards flying in all directions, and sticky, syrupy pancakes, sausage and fruit salad flew across the room, splattering the floor and even the walls.
 
It was a scene not to remembered but not cherished.  Our first concern was the dog, who appeared startled and frightened but not injured.  The our attention was to the bad boy in the high chair.
 
My frazzled partner, Kira, picked him up out of the chair with an “Oh My God, NO!”  She hauled him off for a time out in his room.  He was already bawling, as he was just as shocked at the aftermath as all of us.
 
With a deep sigh, I began picking up the broken glass, sopping up the coffee and juice and lamenting the hot breakfast of blueberry pancakes I had just made going to waste, not to mention I was just about to have my first bite, and I was so looking forward to it.
 
Stephen was still crying in his room, Kira took the dog out for a walk, and I cleaned up.  It was another Sunday morning in our happy home.  It wasn’t even 9 am yet, and my day was already just like most days, as I go from cleaning up one mess to the next mess and from tantrum to tantrum, trying to get through the day without any major meltdowns, just to wake up and do it again the next day.
 
The other day when I mentioned this pattern to a fellow mom, she said, “You think the twos are bad.  Wait until you hit the Terrible Threes!”

  

 
 

The disaster that was our breakfast table

 

But for all the tantrums and messes, this is what I signed up for.  It’s all part of motherhood, and this is what I wanted.   

 
When years ago I told a friend, actually an ex,  that I wanted to have a child, she warned, “It will change your life.  It will be all about the kid.”
 
“Yeah, I know,” I responded.  “I’m ready for it.”
 
The irony of this morning’s breakfast disaster was that the orange juice glass that broke into a hundred tiny pieces was the last of a set of crystal bar glasses given to me by, yes, another ex.  It was symbolic that the remnants of my old days as a swinging single gay gal are disappearing. 
 
Those days are over.  Motherhood is my life now, and I do love it, even as I brace myself for the Terrible Threes.

Glee’s Jane Lynch celebrates her marriage to long-term partner Lara Embry

By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 1:50 AM on 2nd June 2010
 

Glee star Jane Lynch celebrated her wedding to Dr Lara Embry in an intimate ceremony on the Memorial Day holiday.

The long-term couple said their vows in front of 18 of their closest friends and relatives at the Blue Heron restaurant in Sunderland, Massachusetts.

Lynch’s role as caustic cheerleading coach Sue Sylvester has made her the star of hit TV show Glee. 

But Deborah Snow, who owns the restaurant with her wife Barbara White, said the 49-year-old couldn’t have been more different from her TV persona.

Happy day: Glee star Jane Lynch, right, with her new wife Dr Lara Embry, left following their wedding ceremonyHappy day: Glee star Jane Lynch, right, with her new wife Dr Lara Embry, left, following their wedding ceremony

‘They’re both extremely warm-hearted, down-to-earth women,’ Ms Snow said.

‘Jane, with all her star power these days, is probably one of the pleasantest stars I’ve met, she’s just really sweet.’

 

 

 

The couple chose the location as Massachusetts was the first U.S. state to legalise lesbian marriage and Dr Embry, a psychologist, attended the nearby Smith college.

‘She was familiar with this area and it was a little fate,’ said Ms Snow. ‘We’re a lesbian couple who own the restaurant and we’ve done 30 to 40 lesbian weddings.’

Jane Lynch and her partner Lara Embry at this year's Golden GlobesIntimate ceremony: The couple, seen at this years Golden Globes, wed in front of their friends and family

The restaurateur watched the ceremony, along with the couple’s friends and family.

‘It was just sweet and very touching,’ she said. ‘They’re both extremely warm-hearted, down-to-earth women.’

The wedding took the newlyweds just two months to organise.

They ate duck, sea bass and a three-tiered vanilla cake with chocolate mousse filling.

Lynch and Dr Embry announced their engagment in April. Dr Embry is a mother of two, born during a previous relationship.

Long-term couple: Lynch with Dr Lara Embry and a friend's daughter on an earlier holidayLong-term couple: Lynch with her partner on an earlier holiday

 

Meanwhile Glee creator Ryan Murphy is adding a Christian character to the show, he tells TV Guide.

‘We’ve taken a couple of jabs at the right wing this year, so what I want to do with this character is have someone who Christian kids and parents can recognize and say, “Oh, look – I’m represented there, too!”

‘If we’re trying to form a world of inclusiveness, we’ve got to include that point of view as well.’

 

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1283280/Glees-Jane-Lynch-celebrates-wedding-long-term-partner-Lara-Embry.html#ixzz0piWuolrl

Gay couple sues over birth certificate

By GRANT SCHULTE , Des Moines Register, May 14, 2010

A same-sex couple married in Des Moines last year has filed a lawsuit against two state health department officials, after the department refused to name both women on their daughter’s birth certificate.

Heather Lynn Martin Gartner, 38, and Melissa McCoy Gartner, 39, filed the Polk County lawsuit last week on behalf of their second child, who was born in September.

The couple argues that the birth certificate – which lists only Heather Gartner, the biological mother – incorrectly labels their daughter Mackenzie as a child born out of wedlock.

Melissa Gartner, at left, holds their son, Zachary, 3, and Heather Gartner holds their daughter, Mackenzie, who was born in September.

The Iowa Department of Public Health in March rejected the couple’s request on grounds that Melissa Gartner had not legally adopted Mackenzie and was not biologically related.

Iowa Department of Public Health Director Tom Newton, who is named in the lawsuit, said in a statement Thursday that his office will fight the claim. Newton said current state law only allows the name of a “husband” to appear on birth certificates when the mother is married, unless a judge grants parental rights to someone else.

Newton said naming a lesbian couple as parents without a legal adoption could jeopardize the rights of a biological father.

Iowa birth certificate laws “expressly recognize the biological reality that women and men each play a distinct but equally necessary role in human reproduction and have corresponding rights, duties and obligations to their child,” according to a Department of Health letter sent to the Gartners’ attorneys.

The lawsuit was filed little more than a year after the Iowa Supreme Court overturned a state law that defined marriage as a union between man and woman. The decision, Varnum vs. Brien, legalized same-sex marriage in Iowa and ignited a political debate.

About a dozen married same-sex Iowa couples have encountered similar problems with birth certificates, said Camilla Taylor, a Chicago attorney for the gay-rights group Lambda Legal, which helped file the lawsuit. Taylor, who helped argue the Varnum case, said the department’s denial “invites discrimination against those children” who are born to married gay and lesbian couples.

The lawsuit claims, for example, that Melissa Gartner could have trouble enrolling Mackenzie in child care, authorizing medical treatment or filing a missing person report with police.

The Gartners conceived their first child, son Zachary, through an anonymous sperm donor before the Varnum decision, according to the lawsuit.

Heather Gartner gave birth to Zachary in February 2007, and Melissa Gartner was added as a parent through an “expensive, intrusive, and laborious” adoption, the suit states.

The couple married in June 2009, after gay marriage became legal, according to the lawsuit. Heather Gartner gave birth to Mackenzie in September, and the Gartners filed for a birth certificate.

In November, the health department allegedly sent the couple a certificate that omitted Melissa Gartner as a parent.

The couple’s lawyer requested a birth certificate with both names, according to the lawsuit, but was rejected on grounds that the department would not place the name of a “non-birthing lesbian spouse” on the certificate unless Melissa Gartner adopted the child.

The lawsuit also names Jill France, chief of the state bureau of vital statistics, as a defendant. France has a job within the health department under Newton.

The Gartners asked a judge to declare the department’s refusal a violation of their equal-protection and due process rights, and to order a corrected birth certificate. They also seek an order to have the state pay their legal costs.

“This disparate treatment denies Mackenzie the dignity, legitimacy, security, support and protections available to children of married different-sex parents,” the lawsuit states.

The Iowa attorney general’s office will represent Newton and France in court, spokesman Bob Brammer said.

Through their attorneys, the Gartners declined several interview requests.

Staff writer Jason Clayworth contributed to this report.

Fish are friends!

I just returned from a 13-day trip to the east coast with my 2.5-year-old son Stephen.  During our trip I realized something that, perhaps for many moms is a given, but for me it was a truly amazing and significant discovery:  how well I know my child.

Introducing my son to new things, people, surroundings and situations, I realized that  I could predict which toys and games he would take or leave, to whom he would warm up quickly, and which activities would make him shine or whine.  Likewise I could anticipate a tantrum or other scene, and often times I would know how to avert or allay it.  It was a gratifying feeling.

When we went to Blue Ridge Seafood House, I knew right away he would love the big faux shark head protruding from the bar.  The waitress said that many kids are scared of it, but not mine, who begged to go touch it.  Same story with the hard-shell blue crabs, which he helped me eat by cracking the claws with a wooden mallet, which I knew would be a delight for him, as was his first crustacean encounter.

Stephen meets his Uncle Johnnie

Later in the week, when Stephen met my dad’s brother Uncle Johnnie, I knew the two would hit it off because Stephen would be fascinated by his booming baritone voice, and he was.  I also knew I could trust Stephen to hold and not hurt a delicate caterpillar that we found near my parent’s house, because he has a gentle nature, and quite literally, he wouldn’t hurt a (butter)fly.

Stephen with a very hungry caterpillar

Throughout our trip I found myself one step ahead of Stephen, telling my folks, “Watch this, he’s going to go give Uncle Johnnie a hug,” or “”He needs to lay down for a nap in the next half hour or he’s going to meltdown.”

My two-week travels with him, alone, without my partner, tested my ability to handle him by myself, including on a five-hour-10-minute plane ride, through a time zone with a three-hour adjustment to meal and sleep times.  It was immensely helpful to feel attuned to his peculiarities and preferences, as when I could foresee a spate of boredom coming on during the plan ride and distract him with a game that I knew would engage his attention and keep him from repeatedly opening and slamming shut the tray table, to the appreciation of the man in front of us.

Of course, there are occasional surprises, like when he hated a floral-print sundress my cousin gave me.  Inexplicably he cried and screamed for me to “take it off, take it off.”   I could not get to the bottom of this odd and very pronounced aversion to my dress.  I guess, as a Southern friend of mine was apt to say, “There’s no accounting for taste.”

While I don’t profess to know everything about him, I realized I know a lot about him, as his mom, and I felt proud about it.  The more I know him, the better of a mom and parent I can be for him, and suddenly that old Dolly Parton song came to mind, and I smiled as it played in my head, as it was exactly my sentiments.

“To know, know, know him, is to love, love, love him, and I do…”

Mother’s Day on May 9 is a doubly festive occasion for two-mom households.  Not only do children get to show their love for their two moms, but moms get to show their appreciation to each other as parenting partners.  For the mom, or moms, in your life, show how much you care with one of these great gifts from companies that support our special families. 

Mommy, Mommy 

Show the world how proud you are of the two moms in your life with Zazzle custom gifts, like the “Proud Mom” babydoll T-shirt  ($17.95), “I love my mommies” T-shirt for kids ($20.95) or “I love my mommies” kid’s apron ($19.95), perfect for craft time. Zazzle.com. 

Someone’s in the Kitchen at Dinah 

‘Memba those homey slow-cook stews mom served up when you were a kid?  They’re back, and in style, with the sleek and distinctive Crock-Pot Designer Series Slow Cooker, now in stainless steel with black finishes and featuring a digital programmable display.  Mmmm good, and good looking on the counter top.  $59.99-$69.99.  Walmart. 

 

Charmed Mom 

Give Mom an elegant gift she’ll cherish through the years with a charm bracelet designed by celebrity-fave Isabelle Grace Jewelry. Create your own custom jewelry handcrafted out of fine silver and 24kt gold with charms adorned with hearts and other symbols that can represent two moms, children and pets.  Bracelets start at $200 with one charm.  Isabellegracejewelry.com. 

  

For MILPs (Moms We Like to Pamper) 

Give Mom a home mani-pedi with Priti non-toxic nail polish, created by New York City’s first organic spa, free of known carcinogens such as formaldehyde, dibutyl phthalate (DBP) and toluene, making it safe enough for use on pregnant women and children. In 10 colors and clear coat. .43 fl. oz. ($16).  Mom can take it all off with Priti non-toxic nail polish remover, derived from natural corn, soy ingredients and orange oil to safely remove polish and nourish the nail bed for healthy nails. 4 fl. oz. ($28).  gaiam.com. 

Proud Mommas 

Show your family pride, and drive the neighborhood Prop H8rs to distraction with Family Stickers for your car with stick figures for two moms, kids and of course Fido too.  $4.75 per figure.  Familystickers.com. 

Feel Good Skincare 

Mom will feel pretty and witty and gay with all-natural anti-aging Shankara Skincare products, including Ayurveda-Energen Facial Oil II ($53), Regenesis Energen ATP Cell Serum ($48), Hydrating Cleansing Gele ($31) and Microcrystal Exfoliation Treatment ($34), all made without parabens or other unwanted additives, and Mom will be happy to know that 100% of the company’s net profits benefit worldwide service projects. Shankara.com. 

Ice Ice Mommy 

I scream, Mom screams, we all scream for homemade ice cream, and Mom can make in her own kitchen with the fully automatic Cusinart Mix It In Soft Serve Ice Cream Maker which churns out professional-quality ice cream, yogurt, sorbet and sherbet, and features three built-in condiment dispensers to mix in your favorite treats such as sprinkles, chips and nuts.  $99.  Home Depot, Macy’s, Best Buy and Cuisinart.com. 

Night Mother 

If mom is creeped out by those commercials that show the magnified pictures of critters that live in her mattress, give her a good night’s sleep with AllergyLuxe Organic bedding collection, eco-friendly, hypoallergenic bedding made from 100% organic cotton that protects against dust mite dander, pollen, pet dander and other allergens.  $59.99-$99.99. Bed Bath & Beyond. 

Mom’s Sew Great 

Mom was always handy with a needle and thread, whether was a hem in our new pants, a busted seam in our jeans or a school project, and now she can do it with ease with the new lightweight and portable Brother LX-3125E Sewing machine, with very cool interchangeable faces to express Mom’s individuality.  It features a free-arm for sewing cuffs; an automatic 4-step buttonholer; 14 stitches and 35 stitch functions; straight, satin and zig zag stitches; automatic bobbin winding system; built-in sewing light and instructional DVD.  Whew! Almost makes me want to rip my pants!  $79.  Amazon and Walmart.com. 

Good Vibrations 

Mom can enjoy a full back massage in the comfort of her own home with the Shiatsu Massaging Cushion.  The comfy cushion features deep kneading Shiatsu massage plus invigorating vibration massage that travels up and down your back.  Add soothing heat for even more relaxation.  $99.99.  Sears and Walmart. 

Earth, Mom and Water 

Give your eco-conscious Mom clean, great-tasting water everyday, without planet-polluting plastic bottles, with the MAVEA Elemaris Pitcher, a stylish BPA-free home-filtration decanter with a built-in mini-computer that measures time, volume and water hardness to alert you when to change the filter, and the company even pays you to send back filters for recycling.  $31.99-$34.99. Home stores nationwide or Amazon. 

Forget Mom Not 

A bouquet of her favorite blooms is the most tried and true mom’s day gift, but one that never goes out of style.  Win a bouquet from Teleflora.com to send to your favorite mom(s).  *See contest rules below. 

Bag Lady 

Forget the jumble of containers and rolls of plastic wrap under the counter.  Help Mom save money by keeping food fresh up to five times longer with the FoodSaver Vacuum Sealing System with SmartSeal Technology, which can also turbo marinate when Mom’s in a hurry.  $139.99-$169.00.  Major retailers and foodsaver.com.

 

Getting Fresh 

If Mom likes the farmer’s market and cooking organic, then she’ll love Cooking Light Through the Seasons, a cookbook of more than 250 healthful recipes organized around the four seasons using fruits, vegetables and other ingredients when they are at their peak of flavor and freshness.  $29.95.  Amazon or barnesandnoble.com. 

  

Ms. Coffee Maker 

Wake Mom up to the smell of fresh brew with the Mr. Coffee 12-cup Programmable Coffeemaker, a contemporary and curvy re-design of a stalwart brand in coffee makers in sleek black with stainless steel accents, with a water filtration system, brew strength indicator, auto shut-off and timer.  $49.99.  Walmart. 

Mom’s a Flamer 

The outdoor grill is no longer a man’s domain, and with the Grill Daddy your Grill Momma can make her grill shine.  The steam-cleaning grill brush melts away greasy residue build-up to leave the cooking surface sparkling clean and sanitized.  $19.95.  Home Depot, Walgreens, CVS and Bed Bath & Beyond. 

  

Chill Out 

Innovative and chic, skybar Wine Chill Drops offer an unique way to chill a glass of wine or Champagne up to 20 times faster than the frige. Made of stainless steel in an elegant tear drop design, these make a perfect gift for wine-enthusiast moms and are guaranteed conversation pieces at any gathering. $49.99 for set of two drops and holders.  Williams-Sonoma, Bloomingdale’s and skybarhome.com. 

Time Out for Wining 

Give mom some chill time with fresh and fruity, affordable and delicious Mommy’s Time Out Wine, either Pinot Grigio or Rosso Primitivo varieties, produced at a small vineyard in Italy, and offered at an economical price. $8-$12.  Wine boutiques nationwide or winelegacy.com. 

Wine-Toting Mom 

Where Mom goes, her wine can go too, in the elegant, reusable skybar Wine Traveler, the on-the-go carrier that keeps pre-chilled wine cool for hours, with a handle perfect for toting to dinner parties, picnics or when presenting wine to friends and family.  $19.99.  Premium retailers or skybarhome.com. 

  

Modern Fairy-Tales 

Read little ones a bedtime story with a happy ending, with their unique families represented, whether it be two moms, two dads, single parent, multiracial and adoptive families, with Little Write Brain books that children (ages 3-8) can create themselves to read online or order hardcover versions.  E-version of books are free; hardcover books are $24.99.  Littlewritebrain.com.  Win a hardcover book.  *See contest rules below. 

Me Time for Mom 

Pulp Fiction settled the question of which was better, sex or a foot rub.  The next best thing is an at-home pedicure, and moms are doing it for themselves with the PedEgg ($10) and HeelTastic ($9.99).  The ergonomically designed egg-shaped file makes feet feel smooth and healthy, and the balm moisturizes and softens.  Target, Walgreens, CVS and Bed Bath & Beyond. 

  

Working Mom 

Whether Mom heads into the office or goes Wi-Fi at Starbucks, The Kate by ACME is the perfect companion to carry her laptop, files and other work essentials.  The designer tote combines high-fashion with functionality with a padded inner pouch along with large compartments and pockets for all mom’s papers and peripherals.  $99.99.  lowepro.com. 

Make her Mark 

A beautiful, high-precision Parker Premier pen is not only a practical gift for mom but a fashion accessory that never goes out of style.  The collection features state-of-the-art lacquering, chiseling and plating design with gold or silver detailing in ballpoint, roller ball or fountain pen styles.  $125 – $350.  Fine stationers and boutiques nationwide. 

Digi-Mom 

Now Mom won’t have to play favorites, because she can display all her favorite family photos on the Coby DP860 8” Digital Photo Frame With Multimedia Playback.  The contemporary-style stand-up or wall-mountable frame with 8” LCD screen also plays music files and features stereo speakers,  a calendar, alarm clock and SD, MMC, MS, xD, and CF card slots and USB port.  $64.99. Amazon. 

Mom Loves Getting Carded 

Not sure what to get Mom?  Get the can’t-miss gift from the one-stop online shop, giftcardmall.com, or visit the Gift Card Mall at one of their kiosks at your local grocery, drug and convenience store for a variety of gift cards, from REI, Best Buy and Sports Authority to Nordstrom, ranging from $10 to $200.  Win $100 in gift cards to your favorite retailers featured in the Gift Card Mall.  *See contest rules below. 

Mommy Memories 

Every mom loves to take video of her little ones through the ages, and with the Coby CAM3001 Snapp Mini Camcorder, Mom can whip out the pocket-sized camcorder with 1.44 LCD screen, digital zoom, 8GB memory with optional SD/SDHC card to capture great video anywhere, and she can use the included software to easily edit and upload video to YouTube to share across the miles.  $39.99. Amazon. 

Tough Love 

Who said only dads can get socks on their special day?  Give the outdoorsy mom in your life a pair she will love by eco-friendly Darn Tough Vermont, a premium-performance, all-weather sock company, one of the few left that still makes it’s product 100% in the USA, with all-natural, super soft, non-itchy merino wool, such as the classic 1/4 hike/trek sock. $15.  darntough.com.

 

Mother Loves Nature 

Mom can make a statement with the bold, artful Rainbow Tagua Nut Bracelet, a brilliant, artful display of inter-twined colorful shapes designed by a mother and daughter, sustainably made by Fair Trade craftswomen from tagua nuts that fall from palm trees, hand-cut and painted using eco-friendly, water-based dyes.  $28.  eco-artware.com. 

Look Ma, No Hands 

Mom is always multitasking, but keep her safe with her hands on the wheel with Jupiter Jack, an easy-to-use cell phone accessory that turns a car radio into a hands-free phone. She just plugs the device into the headphone outlet on her handset and tunes the radio to 99.3 FM to listen and talk on the phone. $19.99.  Walmart, CVS and Walgreens. 

Mom 2 Mom 

Mom — or Mommy and Momma, can learn how to have it all—sex, sanity, and sleep— with Sexy Mamas- Keeping Your Sex Life Alive, by Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, a refreshing guide to mothers’ sexuality. Moms will find all sorts of reassuring tips on everything from rekindling a flagging libido to planning for intimacy to sex advice for single moms. New moms and moms-to-be, as well as their partners, will all benefit from the authors’ inclusive approach. An excellent gift for that next baby shower. 

Contest Rules:  

Win a Mother’s Day bouquet from Teleflora.com of up to $100 in value, including tax and service fee.  To enter email outwithmommy@aol.com with the word’s Teleflora Bouquet Giveaway in the subject line.  Deadline for entries is midnight May 1.  Include name, address and phone number.  One entry per name and per household.  Winner will be randomly selected from entries and notified by May 2. 

Win a total of $100 in gift cards from your favorite retailers featured at the Gift Card Mall.  Choose one $100 gift card valued, or four $25 gift cards or any combination to equal $100 in total value.  To enter send an email with “Gift Card Mall” in the subject line to outwithmommy@aol.com.  Include name, address and phone number.  Then go to Gift Card Mall online https://www.giftcardmall.com/?utm_source=PR&utm_medium=Link&utm_campaign=BHN-PR%5C%22 and follow Gift Card Mall on Twitter http://twitter.com/GCMall  and join Gift Card Mall’s fan page on Facebook: www.facebook.com/giftcardmall.  Deadline for entries is midnight May 1.  One entry per name and per household.  Winner will be randomly selected from entries and notified by May 2. 

Win a hardcover book by Littlewritebrain.  To enter send an email with “Littlewritebrain Book” in the subject line to outwithmommy@aol.com.  Include name, address and phone number.  Deadline for entries is midnight May 1.  One entry per name and per household.  Winner will be randomly selected from entries and notified by May 2.  Book must be ordered by May 15. 

One prize per entrant and per household allowed.  All prizes are forfeited if not claimed before May 5.  See additional terms below. 

RELEASE AND INDEMNIFICATION: 

BY ENTERING THE CONTEST, ENTRANTS RELEASE AND HOLD HARMLESS “OUT WITH BABY” AND EACH OF ITS RESPECTIVE PARENTS, DIVISIONS, AFILIATES, SUBSIDIARIES, AGENTS AND ADVERTISING AGENCIES (COLLECTIVELY, “HOST”) FROM AND AGAINST ANY AND ALL LOSSES, DAMAGES, RIGHTS, CLAIMS, AND ACTIONS OF ANY KIND ARISING IN WHOLE OR IN PART, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, FROM THE CONTEST OR PARTICIPATION IN ANY CONTEST-RELATED ACTIVITY (INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION THE REMOVAL FROM THE SITE OF, OR DISCONTINUATION OF ACCESS TO, ANY MATERIALS), OR RESULTING DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, FROM ACCEPTANCE, POSSESSION, USE, OR MISUSE OF ANY PRIZE AWARDED IN CONNECTION WITH THE CONTEST, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION PERSONAL INJURY, DEATH, AND/OR PROPERTY DAMAGE, AS WELL AS CLAIMS BASED ON PUBLICITY RIGHTS, DEFAMATION, AND/OR INVASION OF PRIVACY. 

LIMITATION OF LIABILITY: 

IN NO EVENT WILL THE HOST BE RESPONSIBLE OR LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES OR LOSSES OF ANY KIND, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES, ARISING OUT OF ANY ACCESS TO AND/OR USE OF THE CONTEST SITE, THE DOWNLOADING FROM AND/OR PRINTING MATERIAL DOWNLOADED FROM THE CONTEST SITE, THE REMOVAL FROM THE CONTEST SITE OF, OR DISCONTINUATION OF ACCESS TO, ANY MATERIALS, OR THE ACCEPTANCE, POSSESSION, USE, OR MISUSE OF, OR ANY HARM RESULTING FROM THE ACCEPTANCE, POSSESSION, USE OR MISUSE OF, OR PARTICIPATION IN, ANY PRIZE AWARDED IN CONNECTION WITH THE CONTEST.  WITHOUT LIMITING THE FOREGOING, THE CONTEST, ALL PRIZES, AND ALL MATERIALS PROVIDED ON OR THROUGH THE SITE ARE PROVIDED “AS IS” WITHOUT WARRANTY OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING WITHOUT LIMITATION THE IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT.


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